I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
