And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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