someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We have so much sex to catch up on
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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