talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So squirting runs in the family.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
