If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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