We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
