i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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