I don't remember. Are we still dating?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
