is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
