i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
