i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
