stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
