Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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