I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
