chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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