I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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