Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
