if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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