you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
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