I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
