my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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