I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?