Swine flu. Run for my life!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.