Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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