I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
