I wish I only lived at night.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Your penis caused this!
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