I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
