My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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