jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
