Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
