Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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