I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
