How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
