Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
