If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
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You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
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Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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