Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
