JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
