i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
