so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
