Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
