1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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