i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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