I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
