How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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