I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
