god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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