There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
