I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
