My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
