He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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