the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
