Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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