drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
