just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
